Author: Nikki Rome

Written by Lesli Richardson AKA Tymber Dalton

In romance books, multiple partners are a very popular trope that go by various names: menage, polyamory, reverse harem, why choose, MFM, MMF, ABDEFG—

Whoops, sorry. You get the point though.

However, being ethically non-monogamous is a real thing that’s finally gaining mainstream attention.

Side Note: If someone says, “I’m poly, but don’t tell my wife,” chances are that’s CHEATING, and not ethical non-monogamy.

There are plenty of misconceptions in the “vanilla” world about what it is that we do in the BDSM/kink community. One of those misconceptions is that everyone is a sex fiend and sleeping with everyone else willy-nilly.

Nope.

Now, not to say some people don’t do that, but as with all populations, there will always be exceptions to the rule.

There are terms tossed around without people seeming to understand what they mean. So let me take a moment for clarification, keeping in mind that even with these following general descriptions that people who label themselves in particular relationship modalities might still use different terms. (And that’s okay, too!)

When someone says they are “poly,” or “polyam” meaning polyamorous, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are swingers or have an open relationship.

When someone says they’re a “swinger,” it doesn’t mean they’re polyam or have an open relationship.

When someone says they have an “open relationship,” it doesn’t mean they’re a swinger or polyam.

It could mean any, some or absolutely none of all of the above.

To confuse things even more, there are people who consider themselves monogamous who have play partners with whom they do sensual/sexual play that, within their relationship rules, does NOT violate their monogamous relationship parameters. Some people call situations like this, monogamish.

The terms given are not mutually exclusive, but while sometimes, yes, some people do consider themselves under more than one umbrella, I’m going to discuss the general differences in them for people who are new to the lifestyle to give them a basic idea. YMMV (your milage may vary), and if you feel YOUR particular dynamic doesn’t exactly fit into these generalizations, that’s okay, too. This is just a primer, NOT a concrete label I’m trying to slap on anyone.

“Polyam” generally means there are established rules or codes of conduct. There isn’t any sneaking around behind the other partners’ backs. There is informed consent. Everyone is on board with what happens. This might mean a “closed” poly group of three or more people, yes, like the menages you read about in fiction, or it might mean one person has more than one partner, but they are committed partners, either permanently or “monogamously” within the confines of the polyam group.

For example, I am poly. My spouse is 21 years older than me, and we’d stopped being intimate with each other (later they came out as trans). So while we were (and still are) married, we weren’t “involved” with each other. In my previous relationship with the Viking (who passed away in October of 2021) I was in a closed monogamous poly “V” configuration with him, with my spouse on one end and the Viking on the other. We called it a monogamous closed “pack,” because the Viking and I didn’t date or play or sleep with others, and even though Spouse and I are married, we didn’t sleep with each other. In a previous relationship, I was in a poly “N” configuration. That partner was married to his wife. Only my partner and I were involved with each other (hence the diagonal on the N). At the time, the four of us were monogamous within our pack as we called it. We were not swingers. We were not “swappers.” We were not “open.”

Currently, I am in a relationship with the Bard. Ironically, we knew each other as friends for over 10 years playing in the same D&D group before we started accidentally dating (it’s a thing, y’all LOL) and realized, oh, wait, we’re…in a relationship, aren’t we? Then we talked it out, tried it out, and…yeah. It’s a relationship. LOL And we’ve been together almost two years. But we’re monogamous with each other, even though I’m married to Spouse. Technically, as with the Viking, I’m poly, because I’m married to someone different from my romantic partner. But I am monogamous with my romantic partner.

I often joke that I’m probably the most boring “poly” person in the world. LOL Because I’m also demisexual and can’t do casual sex. 

I know people who are in what they call “polycules” (think molecules) which are just as complicated as they sound, with connections of varying kinds among and between members of that group. There are people with relationship configurations like N, V, M, square, triangle—if you make up the shape, there are probably people who define their dynamic like that. They have paramours, metamours, primary/secondary partners, nesting partners, kitchen-table polyam—again, you think it, there’s probably a label for it.

Polyam configurations and rules are as varied as the people in the relationships. My particular situation is just one (rather boring) example of how it can be done.

Swingers are sometimes members of clubs or groups (but NO, NOT always) of fellow swingers. They sometimes get together for parties or whatnot and have fun as they desire. Not everyone gets lucky at swingers events. People might or might not “swing” outside of their primary relationship on other occasions. Some people only do it within the context of an event or gathering, some have regular partners they swing with. Some never attend events and only have certain partners they “swing” with.

An “open” relationship is one where members are free, usually within certain boundaries, to seek out other relationships. Sometimes just for sex or fun, sometimes for secondary relationships. Again, it depends on the rules for those people.

These relationship types can cross-pollinate (no pun intended, seriously LOL). People can be more than one label. These are just generalities.

Then you have people who consider themselves monogamous, but they might have BDSM play-partners with any level of sexual-type play. To the outsider, it might look like sex. But the participants might not consider it sex (for example, orgasm play), or it might be an exception to the rule and consider themselves monogamous.

The bottom line is, as long as all the people involved in the particular relationship dynamic are working within the established boundaries, and are able to give full informed consent to what’s happening, it’s all good. It doesn’t have to make sense to you if you aren’t in the middle of it.

I mean, it might not always end up “good” but…well, you know what I mean.

Life is often stranger than fiction, because fiction is usually neater and tied up by the third act in a satisfying HEA/HFN.

Fortunately, ethical non-monogamy is becoming more mainstream and less demonized. I mean, if someone is ethically having non-monogamous relationships, isn’t that better than a person cheating on them?

Lesli Richardson (She/Her) is better known by her USA Today Bestselling Author Tymber Dalton pen name and is the author of over 250 books and counting. She lives in the Tampa Bay area with too many pets of various species. Not only is she an author, but she’s a kinkster in real-life. She spent over seven years on the management team of the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club, and is also a kink educator. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com

Written by Lesli Richardson AKA Tymber Dalton

No.

It is probably the shortest sentence in the English language. It is a complete sentence, with absolutely zero requirements to elaborate, explain, justify, or otherwise fill in the blanks.

No.

Here’s a hint to newbies: A GOOD Dominant/Top will accept a NO without losing their shit like a three-year-old denied a candy bar.

You should NEVER feel hesitant or ashamed or embarrassed or pressured if you have to say NO to something/someone.

If you ever DO feel that way, then you need to take a SERIOUS step back from the person in question and figure out WHY you are feeling reluctant to issue that simple sentence to someone you don’t even know.

NO.

You’re new, and at an event, and someone comes up to you and starts talking to you. After a while, they seem okay, and you’ve admitted you’re new and alone and unsure of things. They ask you if you want to play.

You WANT to say NO, but you…hesitate. Your gut is sending up mixed signals.

Why?

Do you not want to piss them off? Do you feel there’s some unwritten code you’re violating by saying NO? Do you feel pressured to say yes?

Say NO.

I’ve seen too many newbies who said yes way too soon, for whatever reason, and before you know it they’re burnt out and we never see them in the lifestyle again.

Yes, there are predators out there (which might sound like a harsh word, but unfortunately it covers a wide spectrum of behavior from clueless subby play collector all the way up to harbingers of malicious intent) who will pressure someone for a yes, and not stop until they do say yes.

ALL THE MORE REASON TO SAY NO.

Remember, a GOOD Dominant/Top will graciously accept a NO and NOT pressure you to play when you aren’t ready. They will frequently wait until YOU ask THEM to play, because they honestly don’t want to be seen as pressuring a newbie. (So, yes, if there’s a Dominant you’ve been wanting to play with who’s a service Top, and they haven’t asked you to play yet, go up to them when it’s an appropriate time and talk to them and ask them if they’re open to play.)

If someone is pressuring you, and you say NO, and they say, “But why not?”

You are NOT required to explain. PERIOD.

NO.

If you feel NO is too rude and blunt, then say, “No, thank you.”

You don’t owe them a, “Sorry, not tonight.” (That opens it up for them trying again.)

You don’t owe them a, “Not right now.” (That opens it up for them to keep trying THAT night.)

You owe them NOTHING.

NO.

It’s such a short, easy phrase that many newbies feel unable to say.

I have a hot news flash for you: Just because you think you identify as submissive, it does NOT mean you are required to say yes to ANYONE. (Well, except to the IRS and your cat, maybe, but not another person.) You are NOT required to play with someone just because they can’t take NO for an answer.

And if someone seriously gets po’d at you for saying NO to them? Get LOUDER when you say NO.

“I SAID NO.”

Or, hell, even yell RED. (That’s a pretty sure-fire way to get a predator to back off, to yell RED at them at the top of your lungs.)

That will make more than a few heads turn your way, possibly even attract the attention of a DM, and will shed an uncomfortable spotlight on the predator. And, seriously, if you feel you’re being pressured, find a DM, staffer, or host and TELL THEM.

Most predators like to operate in quiet and darkness, with their actions going mostly unnoticed by others so they can keep their fishing pond relatively smooth and placid.

They don’t like it when attention is drawn to them.

So try that word. See how it feels in your mouth. You need to get used to saying it as a newbie, because–literally–that little word might be the difference between you having a fun night and you having a horrible, life-shattering experience if you get hooked up with the wrong person. Trust your gut. If everything else looks okay, but your GUT sends up red flags? Then say NO.

Let’s not forget that, yes, TOPS are within THEIR right to say NO as well, and if you disrespect a NO from a Top, even if it comes after a string of yeses, then YOU are at fault. A Top is a person and they have every right to say no to a play request. I add this because I’ve seen bottoms get pushy and snippy when Tops tell them NO.

BDSM is not a one-sided responsibility. If you are an adult and cannot accept the word NO from someone, then you need to reconsider if this is the lifestyle for you, either as a Top or as a bottom. (Or a switch, obviously.)

Lesli Richardson (She/Her) is better known by her USA Today Bestselling Author Tymber Dalton pen name and is the author of over

250 books and counting. She lives in the Tampa Bay area with too many pets of various species. Not only is she an author, but she’s a kinkster in real-life. She spent over seven years on the management team of the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club, and is also a kink educator. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com

Written by Lesli Richardson AKA Tymber Dalton

TLDR: No.*

*As long as the ___ question isn’t “young.” You must be at least 18 years old, or whatever the age of legal adulthood is in your place of residence.

I get this question at least once a week from readers who’ve discovered my Suncoast Series books and want to learn more about real-life BDSM. “Am I too old/fat/chronically ill/etc. for BDSM?”

No, you’re not.

I know people in the lifestyle, literally, from 18 to their 80s, and everywhere in between. I know people who are rail-thin to people who are “morbidly obese”. And everywhere in between. I know people who are healthy athletes, and people who have chronic health conditions worse than my own. I know people who have had heart attacks, are either battling or have won over cancer, people who have arthritis, lupus, others with fibromyalgia–the list goes on and on. With Covid and long-Covid now  prevalent in our world, that percentage of having chronic health issues is shooting up exponentially.

Look, don’t let any perceived shortcomings stop you if you want to investigate BDSM. Join FetLife.com and find a local munch or coffee group in your area. Or if there isn’t one, START one. Set up an event at a restaurant or coffee shop. Meet people in real life, in vanilla settings, without worrying about trying to get into a club. Or, many clubs and groups host classes and seminars. Go to one of THOSE. It’s not only a great way to learn, it’s a great way to meet people without the perceived pressure of play going on.

And, believe me, no one worth being friends with will judge you for your body type or health condition. I’m no skinny twig myself, and there have been plenty of times I’ve had to either cancel plans, or show up in “comfy” clothes if I wanted to make the event at all because trying to wear a corset and high heels would have put me in bed for days. (I have fibromyalgia, osteo-arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, and now long Covid.)

Make friends FIRST. Don’t worry about the “stuff” around BDSM. Worry about meeting PEOPLE. The rest falls into place after that. Relax and have fun. And don’t stress over whether or not you’re the right “type” to be trying BDSM. We’re all different, and everyone who wants to belong, does.

Lesli Richardson (She/Her) is better known by her USA Today Bestselling Author Tymber Dalton pen name and is the author of over 250 books and counting. She lives in the Tampa Bay area with too many pets of various species. Not only is she an author, but she’s a kinkster in real-life. She spent over seven years on the management team of the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club, and is also a kink educator. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com

Written by: Lesli Richardson AKA Tymber Dalton

Some people who are new to the lifestyle, or who have never been involved in it and enjoy reading about it, tend to think negotiations are unsexy, or boring, or kill the mood.

The exact opposite is true—negotiations help you define what’s in bounds, what’s out of bounds, and gives you the freedom to reduce your worries about what happens within the guardrails of a particular scene.

Negotiations must happen when both (or all, if more than two) parties are of sound mind, not under the influence of any substance (if there are prescribed medications that impair decision making, please include these), not floaty on subspace (or Topspace), and are able to have an unpressured conversation.

With notes.

Because fuck yeah, notes are sexy!

Just, you know, don’t put your real names on the sheets, okay? Seriously, just…don’t.

Negotiations are NOT a straitjacket. (Unless you’re into straitjackets.) Negotiations are meant to be a safety check—guardrails—for both the bottom AND the Top. Because, yes, Tops get to have limits and *gasp!* can safeword at any time for any reason, just like bottoms.

When you first play with someone, those guardrails will be very close together and neither one of you will want to bounce off of them for fear of scratching the paint on your shiny new play relationship.

But as you play together, as you build trust, as your limits ease and you find new things you both enjoy doing together, those guardrails will not only get a little farther apart, but you will both start finding times you bounce off them in safety, knowing—TRUSTING—that the guardrails are in place.

In romance books it’s common to gloss over negotiations, or they get included in sexy, breathy two-line conversations in the middle of a steamy sex scene.

Real life? Not so much. It’s more like sitting at a table with a sheet of paper and going over a list with all your clothes on.

Obviously, there are different kinds of negotiations. If you’re asking a Top to demonstrate a flogger on your back for one or two swings, that negotiation will look far different and be much shorter than you and a new play partner sitting down to discuss in-depth scenes.

And negotiations aren’t just for play—they’re for relationships, too.

Anyone who refuses to negotiate is someone you should NOT play with.

I said what I said and I’ll keep saying it.

Now, someone might pipe up with, “Well, I’ve been with my Dom for ten years and we NEVER negotiate!”

Okay. So if he comes up to you RIGHT now with a rusty grapefruit spoon and wants to gouge out your eyeballs, you’re cool with that?

No? Reeeeallly?

I didn’t think so.

Long-term relationships (play or personal) DID start out with “negotiations” of some sort. Either implicit or explicit. The longer ago they happened, the better chance they were more implicit because, fortunately, we’re a LOT better about expressing our boundaries now than we were before everyone carried the entire world around in a phone that costs more than most of us paid for our first used car *mumble* decades ago.

I sense there are still a few of you giving me outraged stink-eye, but I’m not talking absolutes here except that negotiations are NOT negotiable.

The kind, length, topic of those negotiations WILL vary depending on the activities in question. And the longer you play with someone, the looser those boundaries might get as you build trust and find more activities you enjoy together, or gain skills that makes those activities doable, where in the beginning they weren’t due to lack of training and practice. (Such as types of medical play, suspension, etc.)

So why aren’t negotiations unsexy?

Because once that happens, you can click part of your brain into “mute” mode and play without stopping and starting to figure out if something’s okay.

And before you jump on me…

Obviously, it’s fine to safeword during scenes and adjust play on the fly—as long as it’s taking things OFF the table and not adding things that weren’t previously agreed to.

You NEVER add things during play.

You save that for the NEXT play session, after you’ve negotiated it.

Because you can never UN-hit, UN-rape, UN-assault, UN-not having tied up someone (I used to say UN-tie but that’s not exactly right LOL). Once it’s done, it’s DONE. And you risk at best losing someone’s trust, and at worst a criminal indictment for a crime.

Is THAT sexy?

Nah, I don’t think so, either. I like my handcuff play to come without a rap sheet and a nonconsensual body cavity search, thank you very much.

The old saying that you “always leave them wanting more” works well with BDSM. You start slow the first time and build upon that. It leaves both parties eager for a repeat session, right?

Well, isn’t that the goal?

If you don’t have the self-control to abide by negotiated hard and soft limits and treat anything that wasn’t specifically and explicitly agreed to as an automatic NO, then you should NOT be playing.

Again, I said what I said.

Do mistakes happen? Yes, but that’s all the more reason negotiations should happen first.

Part of negotiations people tend to forget about are medical issues—allergies, medications, medical devices, etc. You don’t want to do violet wand play on someone with a pacemaker or implanted pump. You can’t tie someone up the same way who has a bad shoulder as you would a bendy 20-something with no issues. You can’t give someone with severe peanut allergies a peanut butter cookie as aftercare.

Get it?

If you’re playing with someone—again, I’m not talking about a simple, brief demo—you need to have it in your mind if they go down and are unable to talk, when you call 911 you can either rattle off their medical issues and medications, or you have it on your phone to show paramedics when they show up. Are they allergic to penicillin? Insulin diabetic? Cardiac patient?

Yeah, you might think it’s unsexy to sit down and go over a list, but it’s even unsexier that someone dies because paramedics didn’t know about their medical condition and they could have saved them if they had known.

Is that a worst-case and unlikely scenario? Yes, but if you’re an adult, you need to keep those things in mind. Prepare, but pray you don’t need them.

I’m enclosing a link to an online spreadsheet I created called MOANS: the Mother Of All Negotiation Spreadsheets.

Yes, I like puns.

No, in this case, you may not safeword for them because we’re almost at the end of the article, sorry. (HA!)

Save a copy of this to your own account and use it as a starting point. There’s a good chance you will not do even half of the activities on that list, but I’d be willing there are at least one or two you’ll look at and say, “Oh, HELL no,” when you read them.

“I didn’t think I NEEDED to specify I won’t do ____.”

And that, my friends, is EXACTLY why you do.

Safe Kinking!

MOANS: https://bit.ly/moans-spreadsheet

Lesli Richardson is better known by her USA Today Bestselling Author Tymber Dalton pen name and is the author of over 250 books and counting. She lives in the Tampa Bay area with too many pets of various species. Not only is she an author, but she’s a kinkster in real-life. She spent over seven years on the management team of the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club, and is also a kink educator. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com

By Princess Rara of The Pink Kink Podcast

As authors of BDSM romance, you have the power to shape perceptions and influence the understanding of BDSM dynamics through your stories. While these books are fictional, many readers perceive the BDSM portrayed as authentic and reflective of real-life practices. They often seek these types of dynamics and use your books as a gateway into the BDSM world. That is why it’s important to write about characters and dynamics that accurately reflect the diversity that makes up the BDSM community.

One example is the term “true submissive,” which has become a common phrase used in many stories. I believe it’s time to examine its impact and propose moving away from using it. Here’s why this shift is essential for fostering a more inclusive and realistic portrayal of BDSM relationships.

Imposes a Rigid Definition

The phrase “true submissive” suggests a narrow, one-size-fits-all definition of submissive behavior, which can be both limiting and exclusionary. In reality, submission is a deeply personal and diverse experience, varying greatly from person to person. By adhering to this rigid concept, you risk marginalizing characters and readers who do not fit this mold, thereby perpetuating a narrow view of what it means to be submissive.

Fosters Elitism and Gatekeeping

Using “true submissive” in your stories can unintentionally foster elitism and gatekeeping. When a particular type of submissive behavior is portrayed as the gold standard, it creates unnecessary hierarchies and divisions. This can alienate readers who see their own experiences as less valid or authentic, reducing the inclusivity of our narratives and the community they represent.

Neglects Individual Preferences

BDSM relationships are highly individualized, based on the unique preferences, desires, and dynamics of the people involved. The concept of a “true submissive” overlooks this essential aspect, implying that there is a standard model to which all should conform. In your writing, it’s crucial to honor the diversity of these relationships, showing that there are countless ways to experience and express submission.

Puts Pressure to Conform

Readers may feel pressured to conform to the idealized notion of a “true submissive” presented in fiction, potentially compromising their genuine desires and boundaries. As authors, you have a responsibility to depict BDSM dynamics that prioritize informed and sincere consent, encouraging readers to explore their own identities without fear of judgment or rejection.

Reinforces Stereotypes

The term “true submissive” often reinforces harmful stereotypes about submissive behavior, many of which are influenced by popular media rather than real-life dynamics. These stereotypes can perpetuate misconceptions about BDSM, both within and outside the community. By moving away from this trope, you can help dismantle these stereotypes and promote a more accurate and respectful understanding of BDSM practices.

Ignores Context

Each submissive act or dynamic exists within a specific context, shaped by the individuals involved and their unique relationship. The idea of a “true submissive” fails to appreciate these nuances, reducing complex relationships to simplistic stereotypes. Your stories should reflect the rich, varied contexts in which BDSM relationships thrive, highlighting the individual nature of each dynamic.

Perpetuates Misunderstanding

Using the term “true submissive” can perpetuate misunderstandings about BDSM practices among readers unfamiliar with the community. It can lead to the false belief that BDSM is about rigid roles and fixed identities, rather than the fluid, consensual, and evolving practices it truly encompasses. By portraying a broader range of submissive experiences, you can educate and enlighten your readers about the true nature of BDSM.

Discourages Exploration

The pressure to fit into the “true submissive” mold can discourage readers from exploring their own submissive desires authentically. BDSM is about exploration, experimentation, and personal growth. By presenting diverse and dynamic submissive characters, you encourage readers to discover their own paths and embrace their unique journeys.

Embracing Diversity in BDSM Romance

As authors, you have the opportunity to create narratives that are inclusive, realistic, and respectful of the diverse expressions of submission. Moving away from the “true submissive” trope allows us to celebrate the rich variety of BDSM experiences and foster a more understanding and supportive community.

By depicting characters who navigate their submissive identities in unique and personal ways, you can inspire readers to embrace their own desires and boundaries. Let’s commit to writing stories that honor the complexity and individuality of BDSM relationships, creating a space where everyone can feel seen, valued, and empowered.

In doing so, you not only enrich our stories but also contribute to a more inclusive and enlightened portrayal of BDSM in literature. Let’s move beyond limiting labels and embrace the diversity that makes the BDSM community—and your stories—so unique and vibrant.

Princess Rara
Executive Director
PKPodcast LLC

The world of BDSM is as diverse as it is intricate, with its practices encompassing a wide range of toys and tools designed to enhance the experience for all parties involved. For writers looking to incorporate BDSM elements into their stories, understanding these implements is key to creating authentic and respectful descriptions. This guide provides an overview of common BDSM toys and tools, their uses, and tips on how to describe them accurately in your writing.

Section 1: Impact Play Instruments

• Whips: Whips are long, flexible instruments designed for striking. They come in various lengths and materials, including leather and suede. Descriptions can focus on the whip’s material, the sound it makes when cutting through the air, and the sensations it produces upon impact.
• Floggers: Floggers consist of multiple tails attached to a handle. They can be made from leather, rubber, or even soft suede for different sensations. When describing floggers, consider the weight, the feeling of the tails as they make contact with the skin, and the thudding sound characteristic of their use.
• Paddles: Paddles are flat, often wooden tools used for spanking. They may also be made of leather or plastic and come in various shapes and sizes. Descriptions can include the paddle’s texture, the sharpness of the impact, and the warmth spreading through the area afterward.

Section 2: Bondage Gear

• Handcuffs and Restraints: These can range from metal handcuffs to soft silk ties and leather cuffs. Descriptions should focus on the material’s feel against the skin, the tightness of the restraint, and the sense of immobility they create.
• Ropes: Ropes are versatile tools for bondage, available in materials like hemp, cotton, and silk. When describing rope play, include the rope’s texture, the technique used to bind (such as specific knots or patterns), and the sense of security or vulnerability it evokes.
• Collars: Worn around the neck, collars symbolize ownership and submission in many BDSM relationships. Descriptions can highlight the collar’s material (leather, metal, etc.), its weight, and any adornments like rings or studs. Consider the importance of the collar to the character that is wearing it. For many, a collar holds a larger place in their heart than even a wedding band.

Section 3: Sensory Deprivation Tools

• Blindfolds: Blindfolds heighten the other senses by taking away sight. They can be made of various materials, from silk to leather. Descriptions might include the darkness it imposes, the anticipation it builds, and the heightened awareness of sounds and smells. Consider things like lace blindfolds that simply blur the image in front of their character rather than complete darkness.
• Gags: Gags are used to restrict speech and can vary from ball gags to bit gags. When describing gags, consider the material’s taste, the sensation of fullness in the mouth, and the muffled sounds produced.

Section 4: Stimulating Toys

• Vibrators and Dildos: These toys are used for sexual stimulation and come in countless shapes, sizes, and materials. Descriptions can focus on the texture, the intensity of the vibration, and the feelings they elicit. Many focus on different parts of anatomy and feel different depending where they are placed.
• Nipple Clamps: Nipple clamps apply pressure to the nipples for pain and pleasure. Descriptions can include the pressure’s intensity, the clamp’s material, and the mix of discomfort and arousal it creates. Consider a metal clamp being cool to the touch or even the use of a cloths pin, bobby pin, or something that can easily be found around the house.

Accurately describing BDSM toys and tools requires a deep understanding of their form, function, and the sensations they produce. By focusing on these aspects, writers can enrich their narratives with authentic and respectful portrayals of BDSM practices. Remember, the key to writing about BDSM is not just in the details of the toys and tools but in capturing the trust, communication, and consensual dynamics that underpin these relationships. Even more information about toys and tools can be found at:

Pure Romance: HERE

Kinkly Sex Toy Reviews: HERE

Written by Ashley Michelle

As one might imagine, there are a lot of ways things can go wrong when you’re ass up, gag-in, hands tied behind your back. It’s why we have so many ways of communication and give out so much homework.

Good preparation is often the difference between a fun time and a trip to the ER, so you’ll have to forgive us for being a little hairy about the rules. Thankfully, we try to make things pretty clear and concise. Some of basic safety procedures are:

Plain Verbal Communication

♡ Safewords

♡ Light System

♡ Non Verbal Motions

All of these are different ways in which we keep everyone happy and kinky. Well railed or otherwise.

Plain English/Plain Verbal Communication

This is when a participant’s words should be taken at face value.

Okay, so this sounds like it should be a no brainer, right? Plain English. If I say, “Hey, that hurt,” then the person I’m with in the scene should adjust whatever is happening to ensure a pleasurable (or agreed upon) experience. This, unless negotiated, should be the default.

Listen to your partner, and work with them. Together, as a team, you’ll find the experience to be much more appreciated.

There are times though when we might want to use words like:

♡ No

♡ Stop

♡ Please

♡ Someone help me

♡ Get off

But, in fact, we don’t want any of the sort. Please see every CNC, dub/non-con girlie in the room. Our bodies and brains have an instinctive reaction to save ourselves, and sometimes we don’t want our partners to rely on those verbal cues because we want them to either be a part of the play, or we want to have the experience of continuing without being mindful of what falls out of our mouth. In cases like those, that’s where our other safety procedures come into play with us.

Safe Words

A word, phrase, or motion that indicates a scene should stop.

The most basic and well-known safety protocol is (you guessed it) safewords. These should be established before play. There’s no use in shouting listerine in the middle of a scene if no one knows that it’s the one word you chose to stop everything. They don’t know. Maybe you just really like spearmint?

If you’re in pain, triggered, uncomfortable or need to stop, use your safeword. I cannot stress enough, for myself included, how encouraged it is to use it when needed. A safeword should be treated as if someone has stepped over your hard limits even if you didn’t see an agreed upon limit hit.

It doesn’t matter. End. Le Fin. Finitooooo. Get the fuck outta dodge.

What if you have to pee, or you’re not sure how you feel, or you just need to check in? Well, you can use your safeword, or—and this is important—you can negotiate a check in system.

Some people feel that you should never get to a point where you hit your safeword. That they should only be used when you’re absolutely done with the scene. You do not want to pass go, don’t wanna collect 200 dollars—that’s it.

Talk to your partner about how you feel about your safeword and proceed from there. Come up with alternatives for check-ins like the light system, so you both can go forward with the confidence that you’re understanding what the other needs, but safewords, for all intents and purposes, are your emergency brake system. She’s the bestie you’re gonna call from the bathroom when your date has gone wrong. Pull that lever. It’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Traffic Light System

A system designed to communicate someone’s status within a scene; characterized by: Green, Yellow/Amber, and Red.

GREEN—Go, Go Go! Give it to me. Lay down that pipe, daddy, I am ready. Green means everything is smooth sailing and good to continue.

YELLOW—Check-In: This could mean so many things. It could be “I have to pee” or “please slow down or go softer.” What it means for sure though is it’s time to check in with your partner. Ask them what they need or why they called it, so you can resolve their needs, whatever that may be.

RED—Stop: This is equivalent to a safeword. All play stops when someone calls red. You pull up and check in, see what’s wrong. Don’t try to push yourself or others past this. Red was called for a reason. It’s okay to have frozen up and try again another time, but please be mindful that even if you think you might be able to push through, you probably shouldn’t. Some people don’t want to use their safeword or call red because they’re not sure how they feel. Try then to call yellow and verbalize or process what you need to in order to decide if you want to continue or not.

The light system is great because pretty much all adults can recognize the connotation behind the colors. It is so culturally ingrained into our brains it can be a subconscious thought and that can be mighty helpful when you’re in the middle of a scene and adrenaline is flying. That isn’t to say that adrenaline should stop someone from being respectful of your limits. It’s just to say that it’s an added perk in universality.

You can use the light system anytime, and you don’t have to limit yourself on how often you say it. You can use it as a form of consistent check ins or to reinforce your consent. I’ve used it before instead of counting when being spanked. Green for every spank until it became yellow, and we checked in with what I needed.

Often the light system feels a little less intimidating to people, new and seasoned alike. It gives us a softer padding around communication and feels a little more removed than the abrupt halt of a safeword. Because of that, it means we’re checking in more often, and we can adjust something in a scene before a safeword is ever necessary.

Don’t worry about disappointing someone. Try and gain comfort with different systems, and find something that works for you. Safety protocols aren’t an either/or situation either; you can use both. Use both! Please, do!

They’re great specifically for things that fall into that edge play category where “no“ might not mean no and ”stop“ might just be something that flavors the mood. It provides an alternative and an extra layer of communication and what do we say about communication?

♡ You cannot over communicate. ♡

Non-Verbal Cues

A motion, action, or circumstance used to communicate when verbal communication is restricted.

There’s so many reasons why someone might not be able to verbally communicate their needs in a scene, but there’s also plenty of ways around that. Some to consider are:

Finger/Hand Motions: This can be a peace sign, a fuck you, a thumbs up or down, a little pinky out action. You can make a fist to say “Stop!” or a flat palm to say “check in with me please!”

Tapping: You can tap on your partner, on yourself, or even tapping a body part like your toes to the side if your hands are restricted.

Dropping an Object: Maybe you find it easier to hold an object in your hand or between your teeth, and when you drop it, you’ve agreed that your top will come and check on you.

The potential for non-verbal cues is vast and plentiful. Have fun exploring them! Make a game out of who can come up with the best one! Just so long as everyone knows what everything means and y’all can have a good time.

♡ ♡ ♡

Similarly to limits, there are some people who sort of bring a competitive spirit to safety protocols. Whether that’s in the form of them never having to use their safewords or people who throw some backhanded, low key shame-y vibes when someone talks about or uses their words, it’s out there.

Don’t let another person shame you for prioritizing your safety above pleasure. Some people will complain that newbies tend to be trigger happy with their safewords and that it takes the fun out of things, but these types of play and relationships require trust, and trust isn’t earned through a week of negotiation.

Take your time. There’s nothing wrong with moving at your own pace. If that pace doesn’t work for your partner? You don’t have to play, and hopefully, you’ll get a new one.

Now, some people will play without safewords. Some people don’t consider plain language (such as no and stop) to be safewords, but maybe separate entirely. There’s a lot of debate on this, and I’ll just say that personally, I don’t do it. There is a lot to be said about the nuance of trust in certain dynamics that I can’t personally account for. I also don’t know of any dungeons or public play spaces that would allow it either.

I know too many people who have been victims of abuse who felt trapped because they didn’t have a safeword, or their partner said they didn’t need one, and the power dynamic of the abuser being more experienced kept them silent and suffering.

We’re all adults, so I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you that if you’re playing without safewords, it’s probably best to play in private. If you’re new to playing though, or new to BDSM and kink in general, create a safeword and use it. Remember that your words fucking matter.

A final note before we move on, I’d like to point out that any party involved has the ability to use these protocols. It’s not all up to the sub or bottom to call a scene. Doms and tops have the ability and should be equally encouraged to check in or stop a scene when they feel uncomfortable themselves or if they feel that they’re coming too close to their bottom/subs limits.

When in doubt, check it out. With any luck you’ll be well rewarded for a job well done! You can eat a cookie, and go home to snuggle in a nice blanket knowing that you fulfilled something inside of you.

Here are some resources to check out:

♡ Pink Kink Podcast: When a Scene Goes Wrong♡

♡ Pink Kink Podcast: Safe words and Plain Language♡

♡ Pink Kink Podcast: Kink is Not a Competition♡

Written by: Leann Herron of The Kink Your Way Podcast

This topic means a lot of different things to me as a submissive, in my submission to my Sir, in my education goals as a Kink Aware Professional, for my business, and for my community. Since I started my Health and Life Coaching business, and probably even a little before that, I had dreams of helping people who are curious about the kink and BDSM life. I love everything about it and some days want to yell about it from the rooftops. I have been in the lifestyle for 7 years after ending a 20-year marriage, most of that without sex and intimacy, and trying to figure out who I am, what I want, what I don’t want, and what am I even interested in. My only knowledge about kink and BDSM was reading erotica and very minor porn. I was too busy raising kids to even think about those things. Sex, intimacy, sex education, pleasure, etc. were never discussed by my parents growing up so I didn’t have much reference, other than what my obligation was as a wife and mother. My friends were my sex education including learning about having a period, getting pregnant at 17, hormones, body changes, etc.

As I started learning about kink and BDSM, I wanted to learn everything…frenzy was crazy fun and scary. I was blessed with amazing mentors from both sides of the slash. I was able to experience my wants, needs, desires, and role in a safe environment. After Sir and I got together it was clear that we were both experienced and interested in learning and growing together as a D/s couple. A part of this education was purchasing Dom Sub Living’s Dom Sub Training, attending sex education classes at our local adult toy store and education facility, attending summits in the area of mental health and BDSM, purchasing tons of books, listening and following sex educators, podcasters, etc. I love education, especially around kink and BDSM. This is where I first interacted with Alesandra from Dom Sub Living. It was amazing to find such a complete and exciting amount of educational materials from a D/s couple.

Dom Sub Living is designed to help beginners and experienced kinksters explore BDSM more fully and help Doms and subs master their mindsets and create the lifestyle of their dreams.

I learned the following (list not inclusive) from Dom Sub Living:

Dom Sub Training (nail the basics, understanding true submission, become a bondage expert, discipline and punishments, how to find a partner, finally find your perfect partner, help your partner be more Dominant, Submissive, or Kinky, journaling, going from part-time to full-time, daily schedules and routines, how to stay in role when you are busy, sample scenes, creating an intense scene, dealing with relatives, coworkers and children, wax play, rope, flogging, shibari study, and so much more)

• 3 Lessons About Starting a BDSM Lifestyle
• How to Have an Amazing BDSM Lifestyle
• Hard & Soft Limits Checklist
• How to Create a BDSM Contract
• The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive
• 5 Things You Need to Know About Consensual Non-Consent
• Quick Start BDSM Bonus Bundle (key terms, overview of living the lifestyle, sample scenes, daily schedule, bondag3 tutorials, 
• An amazing resource library, and
• Affiliate Marketing.

I think I could go on and on about all of the wonderful things I have learned about being submissive, being the best submissive, and living a D/s lifestyle from Dom Sub Living and other amazing kink educators. The information is quality education.

With Alesandra’s help, I was able to learn and grow with my Sir, as well as advance my knowledge as a submissive from a trusted source. I love learning and sharing with other submissives and joined a sub-group so I could attend munches and events and be with like-minded individuals. 

And I want you to feel the same.

This blog contains affiliate links. If you purchase something through this link, I’ll receive a commission at no extra cost to you! 

Alesandra has a few free & paid offers I’d love to share with you today!

• If you want to dip your toes into Alesandra’s resources for Doms and subs, you can sign up for her free library. 
• If you want to find the perfect partner for your BDSM lifestyle, watch Alesandra’s workshop here. Watch Alesandra’s workshop 4 Steps to Finally Find Your Perfect Partner
• If you want help working with your current partner, watch this workshop! 5 Ways to Help Your Partner Be More Dominant, Submissive, or Kinky
• If you want a more cohesive deep dive into the world of BDSM, learn more about this training! Dom Sub Training.

I became an affiliate marketer for Dom Sub Living and love all the opportunities it has provided. I love sharing my story as it relates to the education, Sir and I have obtained from Dom Sub Living. If you want to learn more about affiliate marketing check out my blog What Is Affiliate Marketing.

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Achieving My Kink Goals

Here is my HUGE WIN – KINK GOAL, in April 2023, Alesandra invited me to be a speaker at an upcoming 5-day Dom Sub Dynamic Virtual Summit. I think my head exploded, my heart almost did as well. This was a major opportunity for me to share my story with a larger crowd of curious or experienced group of kinksters, share about my coaching business working as a Kink Aware Professional, and just express my gratitude for everything I have learned from Dom Sub Living.

The summit had 20+ amazing presenters and amazing bonuses if you purchased the All-Access Pass. The Summit was dedicated to helping Dominants and submissives improve their relationships and make BDSM a lifestyle. I am over the moon from being invited to be among other kink professionals and sex educators. I discussed my D/s mindset hurdles that I overcame, how I got started in kink, and shared the story of my journey. 

I am a Kink Aware Professional Certified Health and Life Coach and my business niche is Kink Your Way. My mission is to provide services to people who are curious, currently practicing, or need coaching in all areas of life from a knowledgeable kink professional and references to other kink professionals. I am so excited for this opportunity to share my story and my business.

My Life and Health Coaching services can be found on my Finding Resilience with Leann website. Kink and BDSM is my business niche.

How a Kink aware Life and Health Coach can help you:

• Discover your identity, limits, voice, and boundaries 
• Discover how to ask for what you want so you can experience a change in the direction of your desired outcome
• Know your power
• Help you know where to get more information
• Learn how to be willing to receive what you want
• Learn how to identify and communicate your interests in learning more
• Discover how to identify and communicate your beliefs about sex and kink
• Learn how to identify your wants, needs, and desires
• Guide to know your compatibility for the relationship you are seeking
• Deep dive into your desires and appetites
• Discover what wants to be nourished 

Here is my interview with Alesandra – Overcoming Mindset Hurdles in Your D/s Journey 

Are you ready to take your kink to the next level, and need help from a Kink Aware Professional? Schedule a FREE one-time 30-minute conversation with me and let’s discuss how I can help you achieve your dreams of living your best kinky lifestyle. 

The Psychology Behind BDSM: Understanding Dominance and Submission

Introduction

BDSM, a complex interplay of bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, often conjures images of physical practices and tools. However, at its core, BDSM is deeply rooted in psychology. This article aims to unravel the psychological tapestry of dominance and submission, offering insights for writers seeking to create nuanced and authentic characters.

Section 1: The Psychology of Dominance

Power and Control: Dominance in BDSM is not just about wielding control but understanding and valuing it. For many dominants, this role is a profound expression of their identity. It can offer a sense of escapism from the pressures of everyday life or be an avenue for personal empowerment and confidence.

Responsibility and Care: A dominant’s role often involves a nurturing component. They are not just controlling the scene but also ensuring the emotional and physical well-being of their submissive. This aspect can create a deep sense of responsibility and connection.

Confidence and Self-Expression: Dominance can be a powerful outlet for creativity and self-expression. It provides a space for individuals to explore aspects of their personality in a controlled environment, often leading to a boost in self-esteem and confidence.

Section 2: The Psychology of Submission

Release and Surrender: For many submissives, the appeal lies in the surrender of control. This surrender requires immense trust and can be a source of significant psychological release, allowing individuals to let go of their everyday burdens and stresses.

Empowerment through Submission: Submission can be paradoxically empowering. It allows individuals to explore their vulnerabilities in a safe, consensual environment, which can be both liberating and affirming.

Service and Pleasure: Many submissives find joy and satisfaction in the act of service or in pleasing their dominant. This aspect ties deeply into their sense of self and can be a significant source of pleasure and fulfillment that can at times tie back to their personal history or desire to serve others.

Section 3: The Dynamic Between Dominance and Submission

Trust and Communication: The bedrock of a healthy D/s relationship is trust and open communication. These dynamics require honest discussions about desires, boundaries, and fears and have been discussed in previous articles. A D/s dynamic without open communication isn’t a healthy situation for anyone involved.

Power Exchange: The D/s dynamic is characterized by a consensual exchange of power. This power exchange is a form of psychological play that requires a deep understanding of each other’s limits and desires. This is why conversations about trust, limits, and open communication are key.

Negotiation and Consent: Ongoing negotiation and consent are essential in these dynamics. They ensure that the psychological and emotional needs of both the dominant and submissive are respected and met.

Section 4: Incorporating Psychological Aspects into Characters

Character Development: Understanding these psychological aspects can add depth to character portrayal. Writers can explore how these dynamics influence a character’s behavior, relationships, and personal growth, along with the effects it may have on their everyday life.

Conflict and Growth: The exploration of dominance and submission can lead to internal or relational conflicts, providing fertile ground for character development and narrative tension.

Authentic Representation: When depicting these dynamics, it’s important to avoid stereotypes and represent the diversity and complexity of BDSM experiences authentically. When readers can picture themselves in a scene they have the ability to live out fantasies in their books that they may never have a chance or even a desire to fulfill in their real life.

Conclusion

Understanding the psychological underpinnings of dominance and submission in BDSM is crucial for writers seeking to portray these dynamics authentically. By tapping into these deep emotional and psychological aspects, writers can enrich their narratives and create characters that resonate with depth and authenticity. Building a character who is drawn to the world of BDSM for reasons that may not seem to be the norm are the characters with deep development that can span over a book, a series or even recurring in a world of the writers creation.

Additional Resources

For further exploration, consider resources like “Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission” by Gloria G. Brame, as well as interviews and firsthand accounts from individuals within the BDSM community.