Written by Ashley Michelle
As one might imagine, there are a lot of ways things can go wrong when you’re ass up, gag-in, hands tied behind your back. It’s why we have so many ways of communication and give out so much homework.
Good preparation is often the difference between a fun time and a trip to the ER, so you’ll have to forgive us for being a little hairy about the rules. Thankfully, we try to make things pretty clear and concise. Some of basic safety procedures are:
Plain Verbal Communication
♡ Safewords
♡ Light System
♡ Non Verbal Motions
All of these are different ways in which we keep everyone happy and kinky. Well railed or otherwise.
Plain English/Plain Verbal Communication
This is when a participant’s words should be taken at face value.
Okay, so this sounds like it should be a no brainer, right? Plain English. If I say, “Hey, that hurt,” then the person I’m with in the scene should adjust whatever is happening to ensure a pleasurable (or agreed upon) experience. This, unless negotiated, should be the default.
Listen to your partner, and work with them. Together, as a team, you’ll find the experience to be much more appreciated.
There are times though when we might want to use words like:
♡ No
♡ Stop
♡ Please
♡ Someone help me
♡ Get off
But, in fact, we don’t want any of the sort. Please see every CNC, dub/non-con girlie in the room. Our bodies and brains have an instinctive reaction to save ourselves, and sometimes we don’t want our partners to rely on those verbal cues because we want them to either be a part of the play, or we want to have the experience of continuing without being mindful of what falls out of our mouth. In cases like those, that’s where our other safety procedures come into play with us.
Safe Words
A word, phrase, or motion that indicates a scene should stop.
The most basic and well-known safety protocol is (you guessed it) safewords. These should be established before play. There’s no use in shouting listerine in the middle of a scene if no one knows that it’s the one word you chose to stop everything. They don’t know. Maybe you just really like spearmint?
If you’re in pain, triggered, uncomfortable or need to stop, use your safeword. I cannot stress enough, for myself included, how encouraged it is to use it when needed. A safeword should be treated as if someone has stepped over your hard limits even if you didn’t see an agreed upon limit hit.
It doesn’t matter. End. Le Fin. Finitooooo. Get the fuck outta dodge.
What if you have to pee, or you’re not sure how you feel, or you just need to check in? Well, you can use your safeword, or—and this is important—you can negotiate a check in system.
Some people feel that you should never get to a point where you hit your safeword. That they should only be used when you’re absolutely done with the scene. You do not want to pass go, don’t wanna collect 200 dollars—that’s it.
Talk to your partner about how you feel about your safeword and proceed from there. Come up with alternatives for check-ins like the light system, so you both can go forward with the confidence that you’re understanding what the other needs, but safewords, for all intents and purposes, are your emergency brake system. She’s the bestie you’re gonna call from the bathroom when your date has gone wrong. Pull that lever. It’s always better to be safe than sorry.
Traffic Light System
A system designed to communicate someone’s status within a scene; characterized by: Green, Yellow/Amber, and Red.
GREEN—Go, Go Go! Give it to me. Lay down that pipe, daddy, I am ready. Green means everything is smooth sailing and good to continue.
YELLOW—Check-In: This could mean so many things. It could be “I have to pee” or “please slow down or go softer.” What it means for sure though is it’s time to check in with your partner. Ask them what they need or why they called it, so you can resolve their needs, whatever that may be.
RED—Stop: This is equivalent to a safeword. All play stops when someone calls red. You pull up and check in, see what’s wrong. Don’t try to push yourself or others past this. Red was called for a reason. It’s okay to have frozen up and try again another time, but please be mindful that even if you think you might be able to push through, you probably shouldn’t. Some people don’t want to use their safeword or call red because they’re not sure how they feel. Try then to call yellow and verbalize or process what you need to in order to decide if you want to continue or not.
The light system is great because pretty much all adults can recognize the connotation behind the colors. It is so culturally ingrained into our brains it can be a subconscious thought and that can be mighty helpful when you’re in the middle of a scene and adrenaline is flying. That isn’t to say that adrenaline should stop someone from being respectful of your limits. It’s just to say that it’s an added perk in universality.
You can use the light system anytime, and you don’t have to limit yourself on how often you say it. You can use it as a form of consistent check ins or to reinforce your consent. I’ve used it before instead of counting when being spanked. Green for every spank until it became yellow, and we checked in with what I needed.
Often the light system feels a little less intimidating to people, new and seasoned alike. It gives us a softer padding around communication and feels a little more removed than the abrupt halt of a safeword. Because of that, it means we’re checking in more often, and we can adjust something in a scene before a safeword is ever necessary.
Don’t worry about disappointing someone. Try and gain comfort with different systems, and find something that works for you. Safety protocols aren’t an either/or situation either; you can use both. Use both! Please, do!
They’re great specifically for things that fall into that edge play category where “no“ might not mean no and ”stop“ might just be something that flavors the mood. It provides an alternative and an extra layer of communication and what do we say about communication?
♡ You cannot over communicate. ♡
Non-Verbal Cues
A motion, action, or circumstance used to communicate when verbal communication is restricted.
There’s so many reasons why someone might not be able to verbally communicate their needs in a scene, but there’s also plenty of ways around that. Some to consider are:
Finger/Hand Motions: This can be a peace sign, a fuck you, a thumbs up or down, a little pinky out action. You can make a fist to say “Stop!” or a flat palm to say “check in with me please!”
Tapping: You can tap on your partner, on yourself, or even tapping a body part like your toes to the side if your hands are restricted.
Dropping an Object: Maybe you find it easier to hold an object in your hand or between your teeth, and when you drop it, you’ve agreed that your top will come and check on you.
The potential for non-verbal cues is vast and plentiful. Have fun exploring them! Make a game out of who can come up with the best one! Just so long as everyone knows what everything means and y’all can have a good time.
♡ ♡ ♡
Similarly to limits, there are some people who sort of bring a competitive spirit to safety protocols. Whether that’s in the form of them never having to use their safewords or people who throw some backhanded, low key shame-y vibes when someone talks about or uses their words, it’s out there.
Don’t let another person shame you for prioritizing your safety above pleasure. Some people will complain that newbies tend to be trigger happy with their safewords and that it takes the fun out of things, but these types of play and relationships require trust, and trust isn’t earned through a week of negotiation.
Take your time. There’s nothing wrong with moving at your own pace. If that pace doesn’t work for your partner? You don’t have to play, and hopefully, you’ll get a new one.
Now, some people will play without safewords. Some people don’t consider plain language (such as no and stop) to be safewords, but maybe separate entirely. There’s a lot of debate on this, and I’ll just say that personally, I don’t do it. There is a lot to be said about the nuance of trust in certain dynamics that I can’t personally account for. I also don’t know of any dungeons or public play spaces that would allow it either.
I know too many people who have been victims of abuse who felt trapped because they didn’t have a safeword, or their partner said they didn’t need one, and the power dynamic of the abuser being more experienced kept them silent and suffering.
We’re all adults, so I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you that if you’re playing without safewords, it’s probably best to play in private. If you’re new to playing though, or new to BDSM and kink in general, create a safeword and use it. Remember that your words fucking matter.
A final note before we move on, I’d like to point out that any party involved has the ability to use these protocols. It’s not all up to the sub or bottom to call a scene. Doms and tops have the ability and should be equally encouraged to check in or stop a scene when they feel uncomfortable themselves or if they feel that they’re coming too close to their bottom/subs limits.
When in doubt, check it out. With any luck you’ll be well rewarded for a job well done! You can eat a cookie, and go home to snuggle in a nice blanket knowing that you fulfilled something inside of you.
Here are some resources to check out:
♡ Pink Kink Podcast: When a Scene Goes Wrong♡
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