Negotiations

Written by: Lesli Richardson AKA Tymber Dalton

Some people who are new to the lifestyle, or who have never been involved in it and enjoy reading about it, tend to think negotiations are unsexy, or boring, or kill the mood.

The exact opposite is true—negotiations help you define what’s in bounds, what’s out of bounds, and gives you the freedom to reduce your worries about what happens within the guardrails of a particular scene.

Negotiations must happen when both (or all, if more than two) parties are of sound mind, not under the influence of any substance (if there are prescribed medications that impair decision making, please include these), not floaty on subspace (or Topspace), and are able to have an unpressured conversation.

With notes.

Because fuck yeah, notes are sexy!

Just, you know, don’t put your real names on the sheets, okay? Seriously, just…don’t.

Negotiations are NOT a straitjacket. (Unless you’re into straitjackets.) Negotiations are meant to be a safety check—guardrails—for both the bottom AND the Top. Because, yes, Tops get to have limits and *gasp!* can safeword at any time for any reason, just like bottoms.

When you first play with someone, those guardrails will be very close together and neither one of you will want to bounce off of them for fear of scratching the paint on your shiny new play relationship.

But as you play together, as you build trust, as your limits ease and you find new things you both enjoy doing together, those guardrails will not only get a little farther apart, but you will both start finding times you bounce off them in safety, knowing—TRUSTING—that the guardrails are in place.

In romance books it’s common to gloss over negotiations, or they get included in sexy, breathy two-line conversations in the middle of a steamy sex scene.

Real life? Not so much. It’s more like sitting at a table with a sheet of paper and going over a list with all your clothes on.

Obviously, there are different kinds of negotiations. If you’re asking a Top to demonstrate a flogger on your back for one or two swings, that negotiation will look far different and be much shorter than you and a new play partner sitting down to discuss in-depth scenes.

And negotiations aren’t just for play—they’re for relationships, too.

Anyone who refuses to negotiate is someone you should NOT play with.

I said what I said and I’ll keep saying it.

Now, someone might pipe up with, “Well, I’ve been with my Dom for ten years and we NEVER negotiate!”

Okay. So if he comes up to you RIGHT now with a rusty grapefruit spoon and wants to gouge out your eyeballs, you’re cool with that?

No? Reeeeallly?

I didn’t think so.

Long-term relationships (play or personal) DID start out with “negotiations” of some sort. Either implicit or explicit. The longer ago they happened, the better chance they were more implicit because, fortunately, we’re a LOT better about expressing our boundaries now than we were before everyone carried the entire world around in a phone that costs more than most of us paid for our first used car *mumble* decades ago.

I sense there are still a few of you giving me outraged stink-eye, but I’m not talking absolutes here except that negotiations are NOT negotiable.

The kind, length, topic of those negotiations WILL vary depending on the activities in question. And the longer you play with someone, the looser those boundaries might get as you build trust and find more activities you enjoy together, or gain skills that makes those activities doable, where in the beginning they weren’t due to lack of training and practice. (Such as types of medical play, suspension, etc.)

So why aren’t negotiations unsexy?

Because once that happens, you can click part of your brain into “mute” mode and play without stopping and starting to figure out if something’s okay.

And before you jump on me…

Obviously, it’s fine to safeword during scenes and adjust play on the fly—as long as it’s taking things OFF the table and not adding things that weren’t previously agreed to.

You NEVER add things during play.

You save that for the NEXT play session, after you’ve negotiated it.

Because you can never UN-hit, UN-rape, UN-assault, UN-not having tied up someone (I used to say UN-tie but that’s not exactly right LOL). Once it’s done, it’s DONE. And you risk at best losing someone’s trust, and at worst a criminal indictment for a crime.

Is THAT sexy?

Nah, I don’t think so, either. I like my handcuff play to come without a rap sheet and a nonconsensual body cavity search, thank you very much.

The old saying that you “always leave them wanting more” works well with BDSM. You start slow the first time and build upon that. It leaves both parties eager for a repeat session, right?

Well, isn’t that the goal?

If you don’t have the self-control to abide by negotiated hard and soft limits and treat anything that wasn’t specifically and explicitly agreed to as an automatic NO, then you should NOT be playing.

Again, I said what I said.

Do mistakes happen? Yes, but that’s all the more reason negotiations should happen first.

Part of negotiations people tend to forget about are medical issues—allergies, medications, medical devices, etc. You don’t want to do violet wand play on someone with a pacemaker or implanted pump. You can’t tie someone up the same way who has a bad shoulder as you would a bendy 20-something with no issues. You can’t give someone with severe peanut allergies a peanut butter cookie as aftercare.

Get it?

If you’re playing with someone—again, I’m not talking about a simple, brief demo—you need to have it in your mind if they go down and are unable to talk, when you call 911 you can either rattle off their medical issues and medications, or you have it on your phone to show paramedics when they show up. Are they allergic to penicillin? Insulin diabetic? Cardiac patient?

Yeah, you might think it’s unsexy to sit down and go over a list, but it’s even unsexier that someone dies because paramedics didn’t know about their medical condition and they could have saved them if they had known.

Is that a worst-case and unlikely scenario? Yes, but if you’re an adult, you need to keep those things in mind. Prepare, but pray you don’t need them.

I’m enclosing a link to an online spreadsheet I created called MOANS: the Mother Of All Negotiation Spreadsheets.

Yes, I like puns.

No, in this case, you may not safeword for them because we’re almost at the end of the article, sorry. (HA!)

Save a copy of this to your own account and use it as a starting point. There’s a good chance you will not do even half of the activities on that list, but I’d be willing there are at least one or two you’ll look at and say, “Oh, HELL no,” when you read them.

“I didn’t think I NEEDED to specify I won’t do ____.”

And that, my friends, is EXACTLY why you do.

Safe Kinking!

MOANS: https://bit.ly/moans-spreadsheet

Lesli Richardson is better known by her USA Today Bestselling Author Tymber Dalton pen name and is the author of over 250 books and counting. She lives in the Tampa Bay area with too many pets of various species. Not only is she an author, but she’s a kinkster in real-life. She spent over seven years on the management team of the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club, and is also a kink educator. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com