Written by Lesli Richardson AKA Tymber Dalton
In romance books, multiple partners are a very popular trope that go by various names: menage, polyamory, reverse harem, why choose, MFM, MMF, ABDEFG—
Whoops, sorry. You get the point though.
However, being ethically non-monogamous is a real thing that’s finally gaining mainstream attention.
Side Note: If someone says, “I’m poly, but don’t tell my wife,” chances are that’s CHEATING, and not ethical non-monogamy.
There are plenty of misconceptions in the “vanilla” world about what it is that we do in the BDSM/kink community. One of those misconceptions is that everyone is a sex fiend and sleeping with everyone else willy-nilly.
Nope.
Now, not to say some people don’t do that, but as with all populations, there will always be exceptions to the rule.
There are terms tossed around without people seeming to understand what they mean. So let me take a moment for clarification, keeping in mind that even with these following general descriptions that people who label themselves in particular relationship modalities might still use different terms. (And that’s okay, too!)
When someone says they are “poly,” or “polyam” meaning polyamorous, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are swingers or have an open relationship.
When someone says they’re a “swinger,” it doesn’t mean they’re polyam or have an open relationship.
When someone says they have an “open relationship,” it doesn’t mean they’re a swinger or polyam.
It could mean any, some or absolutely none of all of the above.
To confuse things even more, there are people who consider themselves monogamous who have play partners with whom they do sensual/sexual play that, within their relationship rules, does NOT violate their monogamous relationship parameters. Some people call situations like this, monogamish.
The terms given are not mutually exclusive, but while sometimes, yes, some people do consider themselves under more than one umbrella, I’m going to discuss the general differences in them for people who are new to the lifestyle to give them a basic idea. YMMV (your milage may vary), and if you feel YOUR particular dynamic doesn’t exactly fit into these generalizations, that’s okay, too. This is just a primer, NOT a concrete label I’m trying to slap on anyone.
“Polyam” generally means there are established rules or codes of conduct. There isn’t any sneaking around behind the other partners’ backs. There is informed consent. Everyone is on board with what happens. This might mean a “closed” poly group of three or more people, yes, like the menages you read about in fiction, or it might mean one person has more than one partner, but they are committed partners, either permanently or “monogamously” within the confines of the polyam group.
For example, I am poly. My spouse is 21 years older than me, and we’d stopped being intimate with each other (later they came out as trans). So while we were (and still are) married, we weren’t “involved” with each other. In my previous relationship with the Viking (who passed away in October of 2021) I was in a closed monogamous poly “V” configuration with him, with my spouse on one end and the Viking on the other. We called it a monogamous closed “pack,” because the Viking and I didn’t date or play or sleep with others, and even though Spouse and I are married, we didn’t sleep with each other. In a previous relationship, I was in a poly “N” configuration. That partner was married to his wife. Only my partner and I were involved with each other (hence the diagonal on the N). At the time, the four of us were monogamous within our pack as we called it. We were not swingers. We were not “swappers.” We were not “open.”
Currently, I am in a relationship with the Bard. Ironically, we knew each other as friends for over 10 years playing in the same D&D group before we started accidentally dating (it’s a thing, y’all LOL) and realized, oh, wait, we’re…in a relationship, aren’t we? Then we talked it out, tried it out, and…yeah. It’s a relationship. LOL And we’ve been together almost two years. But we’re monogamous with each other, even though I’m married to Spouse. Technically, as with the Viking, I’m poly, because I’m married to someone different from my romantic partner. But I am monogamous with my romantic partner.
I often joke that I’m probably the most boring “poly” person in the world. LOL Because I’m also demisexual and can’t do casual sex.
I know people who are in what they call “polycules” (think molecules) which are just as complicated as they sound, with connections of varying kinds among and between members of that group. There are people with relationship configurations like N, V, M, square, triangle—if you make up the shape, there are probably people who define their dynamic like that. They have paramours, metamours, primary/secondary partners, nesting partners, kitchen-table polyam—again, you think it, there’s probably a label for it.
Polyam configurations and rules are as varied as the people in the relationships. My particular situation is just one (rather boring) example of how it can be done.
Swingers are sometimes members of clubs or groups (but NO, NOT always) of fellow swingers. They sometimes get together for parties or whatnot and have fun as they desire. Not everyone gets lucky at swingers events. People might or might not “swing” outside of their primary relationship on other occasions. Some people only do it within the context of an event or gathering, some have regular partners they swing with. Some never attend events and only have certain partners they “swing” with.
An “open” relationship is one where members are free, usually within certain boundaries, to seek out other relationships. Sometimes just for sex or fun, sometimes for secondary relationships. Again, it depends on the rules for those people.
These relationship types can cross-pollinate (no pun intended, seriously LOL). People can be more than one label. These are just generalities.
Then you have people who consider themselves monogamous, but they might have BDSM play-partners with any level of sexual-type play. To the outsider, it might look like sex. But the participants might not consider it sex (for example, orgasm play), or it might be an exception to the rule and consider themselves monogamous.
The bottom line is, as long as all the people involved in the particular relationship dynamic are working within the established boundaries, and are able to give full informed consent to what’s happening, it’s all good. It doesn’t have to make sense to you if you aren’t in the middle of it.
I mean, it might not always end up “good” but…well, you know what I mean.
Life is often stranger than fiction, because fiction is usually neater and tied up by the third act in a satisfying HEA/HFN.
Fortunately, ethical non-monogamy is becoming more mainstream and less demonized. I mean, if someone is ethically having non-monogamous relationships, isn’t that better than a person cheating on them?
Lesli Richardson (She/Her) is better known by her USA Today Bestselling Author Tymber Dalton pen name and is the author of over 250 books and counting. She lives in the Tampa Bay area with too many pets of various species. Not only is she an author, but she’s a kinkster in real-life. She spent over seven years on the management team of the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club, and is also a kink educator. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com
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