Author: Nikki Rome

In the realm of romance writing, the portrayal of BDSM relationships and practices carries a significant responsibility. At Smut Source we hope to guide writers ethically and respectfully while representing BDSM in their work. So we can ensure that the narratives are not only compelling but also conscientious and informed.

Understanding Consent and Communication

The cornerstone of BDSM is consent and open communication. (See Previous Post by Princess Rara) Emphasizing these elements in your writing is crucial if you hope to represent realistic Kink and BDSM. Consent should be explicit and ongoing. Portraying negotiation scenes can be a powerful tool to move a relationship forward, but doing it correctly when that’s the goal will always remain a priority.

Avoiding Stereotypes and Misconceptions

BDSM is often misrepresented in media and literature, leading to harmful stereotypes. Many misconceptions include BDSM being inherently abusive or only for people with a troubled past. Instead, as writers, we have the ability to portray BDSM as a healthy expression of sexuality that involves mutual respect and pleasure when writing a story about a couple who is entering the lifestyle.

Diversity and Representation

The BDSM community is diverse, encompassing people of different genders, sexual orientations, races, and backgrounds. Ensure that your characters and scenarios reflect this diversity, moving away from the often-seen clichés and one-dimensional characters. This is important not only in writing Kink and BDSM but in any romance novel you go to produce.

Highlighting Safety and Realism

BDSM can involve an element of risk. Safety is always paramount. Scenes that include safewords and aftercare can be some of the most sensual you will write. While it’s important to keep the narrative engaging, ensuring that BDSM scenes are realistically and safely portrayed is equally crucial when that is what you are setting out to do.

The Role of Research

Accurate representation of BDSM comes from thorough research. Engage with writings from the BDSM community, attend workshops, or consult with practitioners. This not only enriches your writing but also ensures that it respects the practices and people it represents. Starting in January 2024, Smut Source will have a fully operational database of sensitivity readers who can help.

Writing about BDSM responsibly requires a balance of creativity, respect, and knowledge. By adhering to ethical writing practices, romance writers can contribute positively to the discourse around BDSM, offering narratives that are both engaging and enlightening. Remember, the goal is to celebrate the diversity and depth of human relationships, providing readers with a window into the nuanced world of BDSM.

BDSM, a term now widely recognized and often misunderstood, has a rich and varied history in literature. From the scandalous works of the Marquis de Sade to the nuanced portrayals in modern romance novels, the depiction of BDSM has evolved significantly over the centuries. In this post, we’ll explore this fascinating journey and its impact on how BDSM is perceived and written about in contemporary romance literature.

The Origins – Marquis de Sade

The term ‘Sadism’ derives from the notorious Marquis de Sade, an 18th-century French nobleman. His works, such as “Justine” and “120 Days of Sodom,” were infamous for their explicit and often shocking content. Sade’s literature pushed the boundaries of societal norms, exploring themes of sexual freedom, power dynamics, and non-consent, elements that are now often associated with BDSM.

Victorian Contrasts – Sensuality and Repression

Moving into the Victorian era, a period marked by its prudishness and strict social codes, the portrayal of BDSM took a more subtextual form. Literature from this era, including the works of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (from whom ‘Masochism’ is derived), often juxtaposed sensuality with repression, hinting at BDSM themes through metaphor and suggestion.

20th Century – Underground Movements and Mainstream Exposure

In the 20th century, BDSM began to emerge from the shadows, partly due to the works of writers like Anaïs Nin and Pauline Réage. “Story of O” by Réage, for example, brought BDSM into the public eye, despite (or because of) its controversial nature. These works started a conversation, albeit a hushed one, about the complexity and legitimacy of BDSM relationships.

The 21st Century – A New Wave of Acceptance

The 21st century marked a significant turning point with works like E.L. James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Despite criticisms regarding its portrayal of BDSM, the series brought the topic into mainstream conversation, sparking interest and debate. This era has seen a surge in romance novels that incorporate BDSM, not just as an exotic element, but as a crucial part of character development and relationship dynamics.

Modern Portrayals – Diversity and Nuance

Today’s romance writers are more mindful of the nuances and complexities of BDSM. They strive for authenticity, focusing on consent, communication, and emotional connection. Modern works aim to dismantle stereotypes and offer diverse representations, including LGBTQIA+ perspectives and various roles and practices within the BDSM community.

The evolution of BDSM in literature reflects broader societal changes in the perception of sexuality, power, and consent. From the shocking tales of the Marquis de Sade to the sensitive and informed narratives of today, BDSM in literature has come a long way. As romance writers, understanding this history is vital in creating respectful, realistic, and engaging BDSM narratives in our works.

Remember, it’s always best to know the rules before we bend them.

Written by Princess Rara of the Pink Kink Institute

Entrance Fees

At a public dungeon, there is usually a fee for entry into an event. In addition, many dungeons require you to be a member before attending any events. Private dungeons may or may not charge an entrance fee. They may also ask that you bring food or beverages to share with other
party guests. And while membership of some type is typically not required at private playspaces, guests may need to go through a vetting process before they are allowed to attend an event.

Equipment

Public dungeons usually have a wide variety of equipment and multiple items of the same piece while private dungeons tend to be more limited in options. Therefore, being considerate of your fellow guests is essential. Be aware of the amount of time you are spending on a particular piece of equipment because there are likely others who are waiting for their turn. Also because private dungeons are typically smaller than public spaces, you may want to limit the amount of toys you bring to play with. Don’t plan on bringing your entire arsenal. Instead, plan out your scene in advance so that you bring only the implements you believe you will use that night.

Ultimately whether you are at a public or private dungeon, you need to be respectful of house and playspace rules, especially in a private dungeon which is often someone’s home. If you have questions as to what those rules are, don’t hesitate to ask the host. This way everyone will have a fun and enjoyable time.

Written by Princess Rara of The Pink Kink Institute

Talking During Scenes

In a public dungeon, etiquette demands that you watch scenes from a distance and do not talk to those involved in the scene. If you want to socialize there are areas in every club meant just for that. If you’re watching a scene but want to say something to your friend next to you – get in their ear and whisper. Keep the conversation to a minimum. In a private dungeon, you may still have couples participating in scenes who prefer to not chat, but you are just as likely to find a lot
of discussion between scene participants and onlookers.
In a private dungeon, you are more likely to see interactions during scenes. The guests are all usually good friends and may banter with each other as scenes are going. The important thing
to remember is that the bantering is happening because of the relationships that are already established. If you are new to the group or the private dungeon, this is not an invitation for you to automatically participate. Watch the interactions, see if the people in the scene are speaking to only a select few or are inviting other audience members to speak, then use your best judgment.

Dungeon Monitors

A Dungeon Monitor (sometimes referred to as a DM) is a person charged with supervising a playspace (or “dungeon”). The primary responsibility of a Dungeon Monitor is to ensure the physical safety of all participants engaging in BDSM play. These people may be of any sex and can identify as any role (dominant, submissive, or switch), but while on duty their authority is absolute. If a Dungeon Monitor orders a play scene to stop, it must be stopped immediately.

They often wear a special uniform, hat or armband, so they are more easily identifiable. In a private dungeon, more often than not, the host is the dungeon monitor though they may also assign a close friend to serve in that capacity. The responsibility of a dungeon monitor is
the same whether in a public or private dungeon. However, because participants in a private dungeon know each other well, the DM’s may appear more lenient. The familiarity allows the DM’s to better understand participants’ skill levels and boundaries.

Stay tunned for Part Three: Entrance Fees and Equipment

Written by Princess Rara of The Pink Kink Institute

BDSM Dungeon. Those words cause many a kinkster to shiver, some out of excitement and some out of fear. If you have never been to a dungeon, it can seem intimidating. You are probably picturing a place full of sin, wantonness, wickedness and more. You could have a
flogging scene happening in one corner and someone screaming in pleasure in another corner. Someone could be walking around, leading their partner who is on a leash and collar. While all of those things may be happening, you will also see people just standing around catching up
with friends.

How should you act? The answers may very well depend on if you are at a public dungeon or a private dungeon. There are definite etiquette rules that you should follow at any type of dungeon, but there are also subtle differences between public and private play spaces that you
should be prepared to navigate.

Consent

Consent is the cornerstone of BDSM. It’s given before you touch, whether it’s a person or their toys. In a public play space, people are very careful about getting consent for everything. Imagine you are surrounded by strangers, you do not want them touching you or your things without your permission.

In a private dungeon, consent is still an important part of the BDSM lifestyle but it’s a lot more subtle. The parties I throw in my dungeon average 45 people, most of whom know each other well. They are friends and many have scened together. So you will see a lot of touching, even hitting, where no consent seems to have been given. You will see tops picking up toys belonging to other tops without asking permission. What you won’t see is anyone getting upset or angry,
because these friends have blanket permission to touch toys and each other.

Keep in mind that if you are new to the group, that the permission does not extend to you.

Stay tunned for Part Two which covers Talking During Scenes and Dungeon Monitors!

Written by Ashley Michele

Consent: Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

There’s actually quite a few methods for how to talk about and give consent in the BDSM and kink worlds. That isn’t to say that there are never problems in Kinklandia, just that there’s a lot more ways to mitigate them culturally.

You’re also not limited to using any of these communication styles to just play. In my own personal life, I have often implemented what I’ve learned as a kinkster into my own vanilla (non-kink) relationships, and the difference is jarring.

Let’s talk about different frameworks for ethical communication and speaking about consent as well as how you might apply them with your own play partners, significant others, or in your characters.

FRIES: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific

SSC: Safe, Sane, Consensual

RACK: Risk Aware, Consensual Kink

PRICK: Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink

CRISP: Considered, Reversible, Informed, Specific, Participatory

First, this is not an extensive list, but here’s some of the big styles of communication and safety philosophies you’ll see and should probably know. If you’re an author and writing, you don’t have to use these moments as an educational tool. You don’t have to say Johnny imposed the FRIES method to gain consent, or even explain the FRIES method.

Don’t overthink it! But if you’re looking to use a certain style in your writing, go with good old fashioned show don’t tell, and set your scene up to implement whatever style you’re looking to achieve.

You might wonder why there are so many types of consent if they all mean the same thing: permission. The thing is when you start to get into different dynamics, when you add in the potential for riskier behaviors and remember that people are people, you have to start accounting for the fact that sometimes accidents happen and mistakes have consequences.

The desire to reduce harm and really hone in on the type of play (acts or scenes) you might want to experience should also align with your values and experience. Being on the same philosophical page of how you negotiate your consent is important to keeping yourself and others safe.

So yeah, essentially the road to all consent types leads to a ground work of permission, and trust but the routes are sometimes a little different. There’s really no right or wrong answer. They’re all nuanced, and it’s up to you to decide what applies and what doesn’t, but knowing how someone communicates their desires is helpful, isn’t it?

FRIES

Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific

Freely given: Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or being under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Reversible: Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed [or in a relationship/long term dynamic or in the middle of a scene].

Informed: You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent. [An example: stealthing, when a partner secretly removes a condom while having intercourse. There is not full consent because one partner knows while the other doesn’t, and it hasn’t been agreed to].

Enthusiastic: When it comes to sex [and BDSM/Kink], you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.

Specific: Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).

This model was built by Planned Parenthood and is first because it kind of covers everything that precedes it. It is, in my opinion, the most pinpointed and expansive ethical model that can be referenced.

While Planned Parenthood likely didn’t mean for FRIES to be taken on and used within the BDSM + kink frameworks specifically (it is to my knowledge just a general ethical sex model) all the basics for what differentiates BDSM/kink spaces from abuse are there.

That isn’t to say that if you negotiate under any of the other models of consent that you’re not allowed to reverse or that you shouldn’t be participating enthusiastically. In fact, consent, no matter how or where it’s given, is predicated on the fact that it is reversible. It just means that this one leaves a little less room for interpretation all around and that is super helpful for anyone but especially for those just starting.

There are times when, just as you get deeper into any practice, nuance becomes something that would be addressed better perhaps with a different model. Things like edge play (play that involves a higher risk of harm), or adding substances like drugs and alcohol, can go directly against the FRIES model, but with a long term partner whom you’ve negotiated time and time again, who knows your limits and boundaries and respects them, it might be more prudent to follow an alternative model.

SSC

Safe, Sane, Consensual

This is one of our most often heard acronyms around BDSM, and there’s a very interesting history behind it that is important to the discussion in today’s contexts. While it wasn’t coined to become the ethos behind BDSM, it has wiggled its way into the culture as a big one.

Just like the FRIES model, this model is argued to lose sight of things that may not be safe or considered sane. It’s also been brought to the community’s attention that the term sane is considered ableist, and since nothing is particularly safe in BDSM, the community is making moves away from the terminology.

We know these actions have dire consequences, so in order to work through those kinds of practices, there are other models that recognize that we might want to engage in acts like these—ones that have higher risk profiles—and allow for us to talk about that further to cover our asses.

RACK

Risk Aware, Consensual Kink

RACK came about as a direct result of the discrepancies within SSC. Since there are no universal guidelines as to what is safe or “sane” within a BDSM context, RACK focuses instead on recognizing and minimizing the risks we take.

Many people feel this allows for them to consent to higher risk behaviors in the context of their own practice while understanding the potential consequences of that while also recognizing that mental health plays a part in our decisions and removes the connotation of mental faculties.

This is the beginning framework that allows for people to enjoy and begin negotiating in a way that allows for their bodily autonomy in things which can have harmful consequences.

PRICK

Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink

Just like with RACK, there were people (people like me, probably) who felt the need to distinguish further where RACK may have left pieces along the way for people to fill in the blanks.

With PRICK, each person is asked to take responsibility (remember the other part of autonomy?) in what they’re potentially going to engage in. It strives to put people on an informed level regardless of status within the community, personal knowledge or experience.

Theoretically someone who is completely new to BDSM + kink should be able to enter into a negotiation with someone who’s been in the scene for years and come out with a solid foundation of confidence and security as well as a good understanding of what is expected of them. Using PRICK assumes from the jump that everything must be explained and laid out brick by brick.

What that boils down to is that there’s less assumption going around, usually. With PRICK, you are foundationally your own lawyer. Again, that isn’t to say other forms don’t assume you are supposed to advocate for yourself; it just means we’re all coming from ground zero and building up from there.

Let’s say our female main character (FMC) is coming in fresh off the street and has no prior kink experience. Ideally, a PRICK mindset would have our love interest setting her aside and explaining in depth everything they wanted from the relationship moving forward.

This would include definitions right off the bat, covering things from top to bottom and leaving less room for potential what if scenarios that other negotiation styles might leave open.

CRISP

Considered, Reversible, Informed, Specific, Participatory

Intimacy Directors and Coordinators, a group whose vision is to acknowledge intimacy as a “vital and joyful part of storytelling” has revived FRIES into their very own consent model, CRISP, to more consciously navigate the nuance of the human experience. They’ve done this, it seems, to really lean in deep within the entertainment industry, but we can also take it further outside of that into everyday life.

Considered, as opposed to Freely Given, acknowledges that there are times when consent is colored by obligation, such as in the entertainment industry, or systemic / inherent power dynamics, when people are making consensus as to what type of intimacy they’re participating in.

And Participatory has usurped Enthusiastic. Many people have a problem with the word Enthusiastic, in FRIES because there are times when your enthusiasm may be eclipsed by other emotions, such as anxiety or again, in the case of obligation such as with the entertainment industry. Within the CRISP model, the enthusiastic element has been removed to account for the potential of participants willingly engaging without the demand of performative enthusiasm.

It’s okay to be nervous, or anxious or jittery. We are complex creatures and this particular removal of Enthusiasm is supposed to give way to that diversity of experience. The Participatory element allows people to take charge of their autonomy in the way we’ve been talking about, allowing people to make decisions for themselves about what they do and how they move forward.

The main bits you may find IDC keeps are: Reversible, Informed, and Specific.

♡ ♡ ♡

There are tons of great beginner information about consent models and ethical communication styles, but Evie Lupine has a video with some more in-depth information about the origins and how these different styles came about that you should definitely check out.

Remember consent should be about what you want! That also means that maybe you’ve done something before but don’t want to continue with it or don’t want to do at the moment. Consent means you’re able to say no to that thing, whatever it may be, no matter how often or not you’ve done it before.

Maybe you’re good with degradation 90% of the time, but sometimes you’re just not feeling it. Being willing, able, and comfortable to say “no, babe, not today, thanks” is a part of what healthy consent looks like—no matter what model you’re using.

If you’re looking for more resources on consent ethics and what that can look like, or you want to explore them, check out the resources below!

♡Evie Lupine’s SSC, RACK, and PRICK: Ethics in Kink♡

♡The Consent Academy’s Sexual Consent Guide♡

♡Kink Aware Therapy: Consent and Negotiation♡

♡Ontario Kink: Thinking Safety, SSC, RACK, Negotiation, and Vetting♡